For a non-adopted person, what is often called the primal wound -- the trauma of separation between mother and child -- might seem like a ridiculous generalization. How could it be common to adopted kids of all personalities and backgrounds? And yet, the notion of the primal wound resonates deeply with adopted people. Some will feel it more intensely than others, and some will struggle with it more vigorously than others. But it’s likely that your adopted child will feel it to some degree, at some point in her life.

Your adopted child spent nine months in utero, where many of the basic elements of who she is came together. This includes not just physical characteristics, but some basic components of personality, too. It has been documented that babies in the womb hear, taste, feel, and can even sense and react to the emotional states of the mother. In some primal way, the unborn child forms powerful interpersonal connections with the mother. If a mother is distressed about a pregnancy and knows she will reject the newborn, her emotional state will negatively impact the unborn child, who might later struggle with chronic core insecurity and lack of self-esteem. Emotional resilience of a child can be associated with qualities of the pre-birth experience.

When a baby is born, she knows her mother. She knows her smell, her heartbeat, the sound of her voice. Even if a newborn infant is taken straight from the birth canal and given to a caregiver who immediately and faithfully attends to her needs, the infant is aware that her world has been rocked and will react with distress.

At the very least, our internationally adopted children have already experienced this enormous loss. Some of them were relinquished as newborns, some of them spent days, weeks, or months with birth parents before they were relinquished. Many of our children then experienced subsequent losses through rotating caregivers in institutions or a series of foster parents.

Our children were grievously wounded at a time when they were completely helpless and dependent. How our children react to this primal wound is variable. For some, it will shade all of their experiences. For some, it will ebb and flow, returning at times when emotions trigger the original feelings of loss. For some, it may be merely an academic issue that doesn’t resonate deeply for them emotionally.

And you, the adoptive parent, will have no control over your adopted child’s feelings on the matter. You can spin adoption in the most positive ways possible; you can love your child fully and strive to instill healthy self-esteem and a positive identity. But you won’t be able to take away the feelings that were borne out of the early trauma in her life.


Also in this section:

• Acknowledgment of Loss
• Dealing with Ambivalence
• Dealing with the Emotions of the Newly Adopted Child

• Special Considerations for Post-Institutionalized (PI) Children

See also:

• Challenges of Transracial Families
• Ethics of International Adoption
• General Myths and Questions
• How Do I Adopt Internationally?
• International Adoption Q&A

• International Adoption Stories
• Is International Adoption Right for Me?
• Preparing Yourself
• Referral, Travel, and Returning Home