Adoptive families need to become familiar and comfortable with feelings of ambivalence. It’s likely to be a lifelong issue for many of our adopted children. For their sake, we should encourage exploring the full range of their feelings. The risk of not tolerating the negative is that our children might learn to shut off part of them to us. This can strain a relationship, or it can eventually destroy a relationship. Some adult adoptees end up rejecting adoptive parents, usually because they finally become unwilling to wall off or compartmentalize their feelings in order to protect them.

Know that your adopted child might grieve her loss heavily, but that she doesn’t hold you personally responsible for it. Know that your child will probably think about her birth parents often, even if she never brings these thoughts up. Acknowledge difference; your child will not be comforted by you insisting that she is just like you, or that you don’t think of her as adopted. Understand that adoption anniversaries and birthdays might be painful dates for your child. Know that your child’s pain about adoption might surface as anger or negative behavior, and stick with her through the feelings. Never give up on her, because deep down she fears abandonment more than anything else.

When we fully embrace ambivalence and complexity of thought and feeling, we are each free to explore the full range of who we are. And our adopted children are magnificent hybrids, enriching our lives by bringing with them their complex histories and legacies. Rather than restricting the definitions of who they must be, give them the room to investigate every facet of their unique selves. The freedom of self-definition is powerful, and provides a context for a life fully explored, fully inhabited, and fully felt. We should expect nothing less from and for them.


Also in this section:

• Acknowledgment of Loss
• Dealing with the Emotions of the Newly Adopted Child

• Primal Wound
• Special Considerations for Post-Institutionalized (PI) Children

See also:

• Challenges of Transracial Families
• Ethics of International Adoption
• General Myths and Questions
• How Do I Adopt Internationally?
• International Adoption Q&A

• International Adoption Stories
• Is International Adoption Right for Me?
• Preparing Yourself
• Referral, Travel, and Returning Home